I still remember vividly the thrill, shock and adrenaline rush I felt when Sadie was born. I remember watching her sleep that night, checking on her, hearing her little noises as I slept next to her. I had a hard time sleeping that night even though I had labored for 12+ hours. I remember waking up and feeding her early that morning. It was just me and her in the quiet of the night. Little did I know that it was the first of many days of growing in love and breaking into my new role as “mommy”.
I also remember the fear and anxiety I felt that first few weeks as I faced the onslaught of challenges. From the shock and pain of engorgement when my milk came in to the reality of the fact that I didn’t know what I was doing. I’d put so much time into reading up on pregnancy and labor but wasn’t as well prepared for caring for Sadie (later I found out that this is common for first time moms. Read beyond the delivery mamas). I felt so in love as she slept on my chest, but also cried helpless tears when she wouldn’t stop crying or go to sleep. Reading books on learning to decipher her cries but puzzled with panic because I couldn’t differentiate between her cries. Struggling to fall asleep for quite a long time after she fell asleep because I was worried she was going to wake up any moment. But my biggest worry was am I enough? Can I give her what she needs…and if I can’t what’s going to happen? And do others think I’m a good mom? Or am I failing in everyone’s eyes including my own?
My tears once pregnant with overwhelmed anxiety turned into tears of overwhelming joy, thankfulness and love.
But I also remember when those anxious nights started to fade. I remember looking at her beautiful little face that blossomed right before my eyes. Her newborn red-toned skin fading into a lighter creamy shade she inherited from her daddy. Her puffiness from growing inside my belly for nine months going down to reveal her beautiful eyes and features. I remember holding her little clenched hands between my fingers, stroking her little curled up feet. My tears once pregnant with overwhelmed anxiety turned into tears of overwhelming joy, thankfulness and love.
Continue reading “6 months of love, tears & learning to be kind to myself”