He looked beyond my fault and saw my need
Pretty tea (Taken with Instagram at The Rosterie)
hm…how cool is tumblr…let’s test it out…
(originally posted May 5th, 2010)
After my conversation with God this past Wednesday, I tried to talk to Him more on this subject. Through God revealing to me His loving-kindness, patience and tenderness towards me, my heart began to melt. Just like His Word says, Jesus is faithful in continually making Himself known to us through the proclamation of His name. Through knowing His name, which necessitates His personality and character, this revelation empowers and expands our capacity in understanding just how much He loves us as He loves His beloved Son, Jesus (John 17:26). His name softened my heart, aiding me in accepting His invitation to enter into an intimate dialogue on the topic of marriage. .
This past month, God began to put a longing in my heart to be married to Him. I received a prophetic word from IHOP-KC’s prophetic room concerning how the Lord is going to give me a burden for His Bride, the Church through first revealing His affections toward me. All of this did not begin to connect until this Sunday morning when I went up for ministry time. As I stood there to answer the altar call to receive revelation of God’s glory, God began to speak to me once more on the topic of marriage. In short, this is what the Lord said,
“Sunny, you were made to marry me. You were created for an eternal marriage. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will be by your side for all of eternity (Matthew 22:1-9, Revelation 19:7-9)”
What He said, released grace (strength) and freedom to the hesitations I have towards both the eternal and earthly marriage. After witnessing many marriages around me end in bitter divorce and hearing about unfaithfulness in many marriages, I struggled to believe whether Godly marriages actually existed. Moreover, I had trouble believing that even if they do exits, I would not join the growing statistic of marriages that end unhappily in divorce.
As I sat in the prayer room this past Sunday, God spoke to me and showed me that my approach towards marriage was very much like the man in Matthew 22 who asked, “whose wife of the seven will she be? For they all had her” (Matthew 22:28). God showed me that by focusing merely on the earthly marriage; I did not comprehend the full Biblical definition of marriage that ultimately is defined as our eternal marriage with His Son, Jesus Christ. Not only does this perception of marriage rob me of the fullness of marriage, it also in a sense causes me to put all my heart in one small fallible basket that will not satisfy.
I went home after that set and began to type this post, in midst of typing, I felt the Holy Spirit’s presence pressing on my heart to write a song. I therefore went downstairs and sat in front of the keyboard in the emptied house and began to write a song, rather a prayer for the Lord to marry me to His Son, Jesus. I wanted to emphasize that this marriage I am talking about is not a sensual worldly perspective towards our relationship with Jesus. The Bible defines our marriage to Christ as coming into the likeness of Christ, where we become equally yoked with His righteousness and holy longings, eventually to rule and reign the world with Him when He returns.
As I sat there writing the song, the Lord suddenly gave me lines to include in the song. I must say that there is nothing like writing a song with Jesus! The line the Lord gave me was, “I will never divorce you Sunny. We will be together forever.” After that, I broke down in tears as His words consumed my heart and burnt up my wrong outlook on marriage.
It is when we have our priorities straight, when the Lord teaches our hearts through revelation and intimate relationship with Him that our hearts cultivate a heavenly value system. When we esteem the temporary higher than the eternal, that’s when our lives are filled with depression, distress and anxiety. Life becomes a pursuit of temporary legitimate enjoyments that will not satisfy but rather rob our lives of the fullness it is intended for. The Lord helps us by daily inviting us to pick up our cross, die to our flesh that cries out to be satisfied by cheap counterfeits of eternal rewards we are made for. It is in this daily process that our being is renewed to agree with God’s heart and begin to cultivate longing for the eternal (2 Corinthians 4:18). For the cries and longings of our flesh are merely the outer candy shell to the deeply seeded longings of our beings, created to enjoy eternity and not just mere earthly pleasures. Therefore, a good godly marriage is a marriage that is built on top of an unshakable eternal marriage to Christ.
Thank You Abba that You are pouring this foundation into my heart.
It all started when God began bringing up the topic of marriage in our conversations. Much to my surprise, I didn’t want to talk about it. Apparently I would rather avoid the topic all together. Strange. Totally not the reaction I thought I’d have. You would think that since I’m in my late twenties and am living in a place where 19 seems to be the “normal” age for marriage, I’d be overjoyed that God wants to talk to me about this epic topic! But when God dropped this topic into my prayer time with Him recently, I did not want to talk about it.
Wednesday morning, at a prayer meeting, the Lord began to help me be honest with Him. As we shared at the prayer meeting what it means to be sons and daughters of the Lord, God suddenly shed light on a verse, “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). I realized that the fear and worry that would rise up in my heart revealed that parts of me still believed that I am an orphan. These emotions and beliefs are not things God desires for me. He wants to lead me and was leading me into greater confidence in His never changing affections towards me.
So as I was brooding over all these thoughts and revelations that morning, I suddenly felt Him helping me be real and honest with Him. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: honestly, I don’t want to get married and I really don’t want to talk about it
God: (very gently) why?
Me: cause it’s painful, getting that close with someone. I was so close to Grace (my sister who passed away just seven months ago at the time) and then I just lost her. I don’t want that to happen again even though I know that love is sacrificing oneself behalf of others like You did Jesus, Your sacrifice made a way for man to be able to choose salvation. (I can feel myself trying to make myself do what I think is “right,” trying to be obedient as to what I think would make God happy)
Then I saw the Lord take my hand and hold it in His. This simple act let me know the depth of His understanding of how difficult those past few months had been for me. He’s seen my struggles and knew that I was still reaching for Him in the midst of all the pain. His hand holding mine, also spoke to me that He will patiently wait for me to be ready and not against my will, forcing myself to do what I think is right. I realized that it is then, that I’m obeying Him as a daughter and not as a slave.
God spoke again and revealed to my heart, helping me comprehend that He permitted this season of refining through trials because He hates the distance between us. He is burning up all that’s hindering our relationship from being even more intimate. He longs to be with me. He longs to close this chasm that distorts my understanding of His intentions toward me. He waits patiently for my heart to be ready to take the next step with Him to wherever He wants to lead me.
Thank You Jesus, for Your tender mercies that are so gentle and so so kind.